& we’ll dance in the middle of the living room to Dizzy and Coltrane after long days. You’d think we’ve been preparing for a matinee how many times the scene has been replayed. You grabbing my waist. Me tugging your belt. Your hand lifts my chin for kiss. Only for me to pull away again. Not because I don’t want to kiss you but I want to keep dancing. Nobody dances in the middle of their living rooms anymore. They rush to bed, to fuck, to fall asleep and wake up to go to work. Only to repeat it again. So dance with me.
They are not a natural disaster. This is not a rescuse mission. They do not need to be saved. And their house doesn’t need any kind of rebuilding. The crown molding in their living room is a tarnished gold. The counter tops are deep desert brown marble. How is that I have been conditioned to make comparisons to everything in the world in the name of love? This is not a mathematics problem. There is nothing to be solved. It has always exisited. It has just been in a dormant state. Waiting. Waiting for you.
i. our gift to each other this year was skipping Christmas and investing in a studio in New York Just for the experience. you woke up to city staring you in the face and my lips pressed to your spine
ii. remember you said let’s go and we ended up in Senegal. Of all the places in the world. You took me home and spoke French in my ear as we walked through the marketplace
iii. I said I wanted big windows and no doors. A great room of sorts, you blindfolded me and told me not to peek. it was even more than I asked for. You always searched for the rooms with fireplaces tucked away in my heart.
iv. I rolled over and wanted to kiss you goodmorning. but a call tangled in scratchy voices and yawns will suffice
My mother told me she was going forward with the divorce. And my heart hurts but It doesn’t change anything. They have been attempting to have a relationship for too long. Unfortunately instead of taking a step back and realizing this before having 2 more kids after me, they played house.
I wish my father would be a father and not a friend. I hope my sisters don’t grow up resenting him for not communicating in his love langauge. We all don’t love the same but the least you can do is recogonize how you love. And let others know that is how you love so others can do so as well. I hope they learn that everyone doesn’t love you like you want to be loved but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
Im not angry I just wish better choices were made. You want it work out. But everything in the universe is pushing you in the other direction. Everything you’ve ever done is preparing you for where you are going. The beautiful part is when you start putting the points together.
and then left before I could
finish what I had to say."
with my coffee every morning,
and let you sing me to sleep
I’m saying “your hair” as in my hair. I’m trying to do as less manipulation as I can this month.